Category: humor

My blogs have been kind of heavy lately so I decided to just throw caution to the wind and have a fun day.  Sometimes we need to just chilax and laugh in order to reboot.  I have been asked by some of my FB friends to reshare a little essay I did last year.  Back in December one of my childhood friends gave me the number 5 and told me to share 5 things about myself.  I decided to go for some of the crazy experiences I’ve had and share the memories still making me laugh as well as grimace.  It’s funny how life experiences can leave impressions on your spirit dictating behavioral reactions in everyday life. 

 So here we go….. sit back and laugh with me friends!!!
  
1. I was attacked by a female monkey when I was 4 at the Knoxville Zoo. I was just being my sweet little four year old self and mimicking faces of a male monkey that obviously thought I had it going on. We mimed each others faces for about three minutes when all of a sudden I was grabbed by the hair of the head and slammed into the bars of the cage by the male monkey’s live-in, jealous, female lover. It was a vicious attack people….one that my tender memories will never let me forget. Emergency help was called to pry that jealous, little, snit’s hairy, grubby, flea-picking phalanges from my precious head. I hate the Zoo to this day.

2. I loved the Pillsbury Dough Boy and his commercials……..In fact I loved him so much  I opened over 12 cans of biscuits looking for him when I was about 5.  When he did not pop out…..I proceeded to hide the biscuits all over the house….in flower pots, dresser drawers, closets, jewelry boxes, under the bed, toy boxes…..window sills hid by curtains. I specifically remember my anger, disillusionment and disappointment. The Dough BOY was the first boy to break my little heart.

3. I once left my toddler sons (at the time) Matt age 4 and Aaron age 2, on the side of the road. I had picked up all three of my boys at the babysitters. On the drive home, Matt was opening Hershey kisses and handing them to his little brothers to eat. Unbeknownst to me….18 month old Spencer…my baby, had picked up 3 old fashioned metal jack rocks at the babysitters putting them in his pocket. He had retrieved them and was unaware he got the jack rocks mixed up with the kisses swallowing the toys and candy together. I looked back in the mirror when I heard a gargling, gagging noise and realized he was choking. At this point….my little know it all man…Matthew (age 4 mind you) starts screaming…..”he’s dwying…he’s dwying momma…pwull ova…pwull ova!!” Of course I come to a screeching halt on Emory Road near where Bruster’s Ice Cream is now….and I jump out retrieving Spencer from the car seat. I proceed to do the heimlech maneuver….that only produced a nasty broth of chocolate and blood from his mouth. I panicked….of course.   I ran to the middle of the road and proceeded to wave down cars for help….the first one I asked to call 911….the second was an old inebriated farmer with a wad of chew that was drooling out of the corner of his mouth. He hops out of his rusty truck and he proceeds to take my precious, choking baby and turn him upside down, holding him by the ankles shaking him….I was horrified. I jerked my baby away from him and told him to go wash his face! I then resorted to sticking my finger down Spencer’s throat and SURPRISE SURPRISE!!! I pulled out a jack rock!????!!! A what?!!! I was stunned but I thought well he’s Okay….until he started gagging and gargling and grunting…….oh it was horrible! A nurse arrived on the scene and started working with Spencer.  She proceeded to get another jack rock out of his throat. As she was working desperately to save my baby’s life, I was in tears and remember looking at the back of my big buick,…… (we affectionately called the car Big Bertha….we traded her not long after that because Aaron had projectile vomited…like a rocket in space all over the car and his little brothers one night….all my boys were naked by the time we got home because they crawled out of their vomit covered clothes and car seats. All the way home I prayed I wouldn’t get pulled over with three naked little boys out of their car seats that had the smell of puke….oh sorry….that’s another story).   Where was I?…..Oh yea….I remember looking at the rear view window of Bertha….and two little scared sets of eyes as big as quarters were taking in all the events. Once again Spencer started gagging and gargling……oh I thought I was just about done in….but the nurse kept working and got another jack rock up….oh yes….3!!!  All of a sudden the ambulance is on the scene whisking us away to children’s hospital.  Spencer is stable on the ride but still coughing and bleeding. As we pull into the emergency room…..I remember ……Matt….Aaron….????? I left my babies on the side of the road!!!!!!! I was mortified!!!!!! Thankfully….my smart little man, Matthew….gave a bystander or thrill seeker….whichever it was….my sister’s phone number and Darla drove like a bat out of….well you know….. from Grainger County to get my babies.   Not my proudest mother moment…..still haunts me to this day.

4. I went back to school to finish my degree at the age of 45! WHAT?! If that doesn’t impress you this will….. I walked into my first day of class and low and behold there was my oldest son, Matt….in the same class….He was mortified! Our eyes locked and I saw the terror on his face…in his eyes….He immediately shook his head “NO” at me….therefore I went to the front of the class and took a seat. I respected his space and kept my distance for the first half of the semester until the professor put us in the same study group….can you say….AWKWARD? Then to add insult to his injury….the professor made me the group leader…..can you say….UNCOMFORTABLE? I played it cool until one day in study group I accidentally called him by his pet name….”Pookie”….Let’s just say if looks could kill I would be six feet under right now.  I tried to nonchalantly play it off and apologized telling him he reminded me of my son. It didn’t help. We managed to pull off the semester without anyone finding out….except some astute little prissy, sorority girl asked me if he was my son on the last day of class. I never told Matt I ratted him out bless his heart. Oh well. Just in case inquiring minds want to know….I ended the semester with honors and a higher GPA in that class and over all….than my brilliant son who was on afull academic scholarship!! BAHAHAHAHA……still love to rub that in!! HA!

5. I am a freakishly, nerdy, literary junkie and at the age of 46 took a whole semester on the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. It was EPIC!  My final project was designing a HOBBIT newspaper with ads, stories and art work. That was my favorite class…semester….ever!!!!!!! WHY would I take this class….you may ask?  Well because I have raised boys and when you raise boys….you learn to like all that SCI-FI,  superhero, Walking Dead, kind of entertainment.  I do take exception to one movie I detest to this day…..Anaconda.  One lazy Sunday afternoon my husband and boys duped me into going.  To this day I cannot get the pictures out of my head I saw on the big screen many years ago. Who wants to see a gigantic snake swallow a man whole….vomit him up…and eat him again?  Really? Snakes in any capacity are not quality entertainment people.

There you have it folks…I have lived…..my life has left me with deep scars……but I HAVE LIVED!!!!!